Thursday, July 1, 2010

What's Inside

Tonight I felt compelled to come to this space and get out my thoughts and feelings about the last few weeks. I thought I would just come here and spill my guts and it would feel better to get it all out.

Now I have no idea what to say. Where to begin. How to do it justice.

I'm talking about Reagan, of course.

Yes. I'll start with her.

She is my hero. She is strong and brave and good. She is my niece and I am proud that she belongs to me. I haven't seen much of her since she's been born, but my heart is knit together with hers. She abides in my thoughts and prayers with every waking breath. She is the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I pray for at night.

Reagan had a tracheotomy today and even as I write those terrible words, I am undone.

Utterly.

I have never sobbed so gut-wrenchingly until this child was born. Doesn't she know I don't like to cry? Most moments she is floating around in my head while I bathe my kids, make dinner, do laundry, run errands... never more than a "Please, God" away.

But the nights are harder. This is when I wrestle with my God and we hash things out. This is when I beseech Him to have mercy on Reagan, on her mommy and her daddy. And her "big sishter." This is when I have to come to grips that He hasn't fixed her, He allowed her get a tracheotomy today, and He does in fact love her. Do you know what He told Nate in the middle of the night last night?

Be Still And Know That I Am God.

I'm trying, I really am. The pain is so deep, the future so bleak. I am a mommy and so I am desperate for Rachel. I cannot begin to fathom her thoughts, her nightmares, her fresh pain. Brian is my little brother and now he is older than me. He has had to endure the most awful situation, his little baby girl has been hanging in a balance for three weeks. Her whole life.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to know they are hurting so much. But do you know how strong they are? They are going to be all that Reagan needs them to be and all that they didn't know they were. Right now there is great sorrow, but JOY comes with the morning. Reagan Joy.

Today is a day I will never forget, July 1, 2010. I don't feel better that it's over, but I feel better that it's over. She is worth all of the heartache and tears, she is with us and for that I will be eternally grateful.



5 comments:

The Druhe Fam said...

Just wanted you to know that I'm crying with you...I don't know Rachel or Reagan and I can't fathom how hard this is on all of them, but I do know that my heart hurts when I think about their sweet baby girl going through so much. I will continue to pray for peace and strength for all of them to get through the tough days ahead. Romans 8:28 tells us that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Even in desperate times, when we can't understand why He allows these trials to come into our lives, we know that He is good and He is working. I pray for His grace to cover Baby Reagan all the days of her life. She has already united many members of the Body of Christ in a powerful way in just three weeks, just think of how God may use her in the years to come! Your whole family is in my prayers!

Thany said...

Oh my friend...I think I will be adding your heart to my list when I remember to pray for Reagan.

I don't understand His ways. But I know He loves her even more than anyone on earth could. And there are days when I walk through my own things that all I can rely on is that Love. It is the only thing holding my faith together.

Love to you my Dear One....

jessica said...

Oh Heather, my heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I wish I could be there and hang with you. I understand the thoughts, screams and confusion you are going through. I am praying for you today to have peace and comfort. I love you sister and I am sorry.

Ami, Bob, Jack, and Luke said...

Your post was so heartfelt-- I can hear your voice & feel your emotion. Know that we have been thinking of Baby Reagan and your family daily and continue to keep you all in our prayers. XOXO

Anonymous said...

I am crying know as I write this. Your family, Rachel & Reagan have been on my heart for months and I am just now taking time to catch up on correspondence. I am appalled at how long it has taken me to touch base...my heart has been here, but I have done nothing to express my feelings or thoughts... Thank you to God is my first expression for all He has already done and what He will continue to do.