Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Inner Struggle

Do you ever struggle to live up to your own expectations of yourself? Do you never feel satisfied with where you are at, always thinking of how you could be better?

No? Me neither.

Just kidding. As this New Year came, I thought out all that I would like to do and be and found myself greatly lacking. This idea of who I think I can be, or who I wish I could be makes me crazy sometimes, always coming up short. For instance, these are some of the things I desire in my life (in no particular order):

1. I want to be a calm, patient, loving example of who God is to my children. I so passionately want both of my kids to grow up loving Him and living their lives in service to Him. So I want to take it upon myself to be the one who points them to God in all things. I want them to be disciplined, loving, self-controlled little people who exhibit godly characteristics in all situations.

2. I want to fully educate my kids. I want to pour out all of my elementary education into them and make them as smart and well-rounded as I possibly can. I want to spend hours diligently working with them to make sure they never fall behind.

3. I want to have fun with my kids and I want them to think I am fun to be with. I want to provide them with amazing childhood memories that they can look back on and say, "What a fun family we had!"

3. I want to have the cleanest house imaginable. I want to be able to eat off my floors at all times. I want to have all of the laundry done in a timely manner and the bathtubs sparkling white, just in case I should have guests at a moment's notice.

4. I want to be a fabulous cook for my family. I want them to actually want to eat what I make them. I want to be creative and come up with new and exciting things to eat every night.

5. I want to be a fun, sexy, understanding wife to Nate and to contribute to his wellbeing. I want to help him be a better man everyday and provide for all of his needs. I want to WANT to make his lunch everyday.

6. I want to be there for all of my friends and family who need me. I want to uphold them when the day is too much, laugh with them when their kids say something funny, and listen to them when they need to get it out. I want to have time to value each relationship that I have and spend time with all of them one-on-one regularly so that they know how much they mean to me.

7. I want be so completely organized that all of this runs like clockwork and I never get frazzled or frustrated or stressed and I NEVER take it out on the kids.

8. I want MomSpace to be so impactful to the women who come that they look on that year in their life and say, "That made a difference. I wasn't alone. I made a good friend. I grew closer to God."

9. I want to learn to be good at something. Something productive and worthwhile. Like sewing, or knitting, or photography, or ... something. I want to make things that will last and make people happy, or at least make me happy to do it.

10. I want to know God more and draw close to Him. I want to feel His presence in my crazy life everyday and I want to pay Him close attention. I want to be known by Him and find satisfaction in my friendship with Him. I want to find time in my day to read God's Word, talk to Him and be still.

Is that asking too much?

Well, maybe just a little... so do you see how this would be an inner struggle? If your mind is telling you that all of these things are the goal, how to do you ever feel satisfied? How do you ever feel good about the days that fall WAY too short of this ideal? You can beat yourself up, promise tomorrow will be better, dwell on ways to make it happen the next time... but are we ever really satisfied? And wouldn't I just be so danged tired from making it all happen all the time anyway? Is that really an abundant life that we are promised?

I know the answer lies with the One who came to set me free from bondage. Only He is able to rescue me from myself and the one who comes to tell lies. The goal isn't actually to accomplish all of these things on my long list.

It's to Know Him and to Make Him Known.
That's all.

I know from experience that once that becomes my focus, everything else falls into place.

So, that is where I go from here. Not striving each day, but leaning on Him.


gramee10 said...

Wow Heather that was so insightful. I think the enemy whispers that we are notenough and we feel inadequate. Your goals are good and dependence on God is essential.even after my kids are grown and have families of their own, I have regrets that I could have done better. But we are not perfect and never will be. We are cracked pots for Jesus and His light shines thru all the holes. You have been a very special friend to my daughter and I thank you for that. Happy New Year and whatever you find your hand to do, it to Gods glory

jessica said...

You need to write more. I love reading what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours. Very inspiring to me

lizzygut said...

Heather, that was encouraging, to say the least. I know a couple of things to be true, even if I am on the outside looking in. You ARE a great friend to my sister. She only has GREAT friends and picks them well. You ARE a fun,loving mom and I can tell by the few times I've hung out with you. And, you ARE a beautiful person (and I'm sure Nate would say, sexy as well!)
-liz (Heather's sister)

Complicatedly Simply said...

Oh Heather, it was as though you just opened up my heart and read right out of page one. I hear your words loud and clear and feel your desire to do all of this. I stand right beside you in spirit and support you on this amazing journey I see you taking on this new year. With Christ ALL is possible!! Don't you forget. But, honestly, in my eyes you have already accomplished this list = ) .