Finally

This is me... in heaven.

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful?

What's Inside

Tonight I felt compelled to come to this space and get out my thoughts and feelings about the last few weeks. I thought I would just come here and spill my guts and it would feel better to get it all out.

Now I have no idea what to say. Where to begin. How to do it justice.

I'm talking about Reagan, of course.

Yes. I'll start with her.

She is my hero. She is strong and brave and good. She is my niece and I am proud that she belongs to me. I haven't seen much of her since she's been born, but my heart is knit together with hers. She abides in my thoughts and prayers with every waking breath. She is the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I pray for at night.

Reagan had a tracheotomy today and even as I write those terrible words, I am undone.

Utterly.

I have never sobbed so gut-wrenchingly until this child was born. Doesn't she know I don't like to cry? Most moments she is floating around in my head while I bathe my kids, make dinner, do laundry, run errands... never more than a "Please, God" away.

But the nights are harder. This is when I wrestle with my God and we hash things out. This is when I beseech Him to have mercy on Reagan, on her mommy and her daddy. And her "big sishter." This is when I have to come to grips that He hasn't fixed her, He allowed her get a tracheotomy today, and He does in fact love her. Do you know what He told Nate in the middle of the night last night?

Be Still And Know That I Am God.

I'm trying, I really am. The pain is so deep, the future so bleak. I am a mommy and so I am desperate for Rachel. I cannot begin to fathom her thoughts, her nightmares, her fresh pain. Brian is my little brother and now he is older than me. He has had to endure the most awful situation, his little baby girl has been hanging in a balance for three weeks. Her whole life.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to know they are hurting so much. But do you know how strong they are? They are going to be all that Reagan needs them to be and all that they didn't know they were. Right now there is great sorrow, but JOY comes with the morning. Reagan Joy.

Today is a day I will never forget, July 1, 2010. I don't feel better that it's over, but I feel better that it's over. She is worth all of the heartache and tears, she is with us and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Last day of 1st grade...

Olivia has graduated from 1st grade. She is 7 now, and so so old. She calls herself a 2nd grader, she shampoos her own hair, and she can make her own peanut butter sandwich. When Liv was a toddler, we used to call her Sassafrass. You know, because of how sassy she was. Well, she has matured a lot and calmed down a little, but now we will just call it "spunk." She is constantly moving, usually snacking, and only wants to play. Life is good for Olivia right now.

And our life is good because of her.

She's New...

I was gifted with a new niece on Tuesday...

She has had a rough go of it, she still isn't home...

But she is already bringing us so much joy.

Presenting Reagan Joy Hall:

Born: June 8th

Weighed: 6 lbs. 4 oz.

Length: 17 3/4 in.

Just Call Him Mr. Phelps

This little man just finished swim lessons...

I have to admit that when I signed Brennen up for his first set of swim lessons, I had NO expectation that he would swim. I was hoping he wouldn't pitch a fit and refuse to get in the pool, or cry at the instructor and not do what she was telling him. You see, Brennen has a lot of fears and coupled with a stubborn determination, he does NOT do what he is too afraid to do.

So, naturally, I was skeptical.

Oh, me of little faith!

He swims! His instructor, Miss Tami, is no-nonsense and pulled Brennen through those moments when his fear got the best of him. But for the most part he wasn't scared at all! He had little successes, which encouraged him, and those boosts of confidence kept him moving forward, literally! Here are some pics:

I don't have a video of the very last day of swim lessons, but take my word for it. He swims! I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes, but he does! He "pushes and kicks" three times and then comes up for a breath and then keeps on going! He can jump off the side of the pool by himself (something he would NEVER do for me) and then swims to the side.

So proud. Can you tell?

Olivia: "Mama, I know we are supposed to love Jesus, but does He have to be our very very best best best friend?"

Me: "Well, God says that we should love Him with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind, and with all our strength.... so that means to love Him the most. But that doesn't mean you can't love other people a lot too."

Olivia: "Okay..."

Me: " Why? Who are you thinking of?"

Olivia: (BIG smile on her face) "Graaaaandma!"

Lucky lady.

Siblings

Does anyone else think this relationship is hard and easy all at the same time?

Olivia and Brennen are just about 3 years apart; Liv is 7, Brennen is 4. The older they get, the closer they become. They rarely play anything without the other one involved. If Liv wants to be in her room, Brennen follows. If Brennen wants to jump on the trampoline, he won't go until she's ready to come too. They want to watch a movie? Make sure they both agree. Trying to whip up a quick dinner? They must have EXACTLY the same thing. They BEG to sleep together on the weekends, they bring each other toys from a friend's birthday party, and they squeal in delight when they rent a new DS game they can link up to play at the same time. So all of this togetherness, you would think, would equal brotherly love, peace, and harmony, right?

No. Oh, no.

How the battles rage. She touched me too hard. He won't leave me alone. She took that away from me. He has more than I do. She's not being fair! He is bothering me! It goes on and on.
When I asked Olivia to apologize this week, she did and then Brennen said, Mama, Sissy didn't even MEAN it! She didn't say it like she MEANED it!

All this to say... I can't decide whether I am thrilled that they love each other so much, or irritated that they love each other TOO much.

Morning Reflections

6:45 this morning...

Brennen: "Mama, it feels like I have hearts in my tummy."

Me: "Hearts in your tummy? What do you mean?"

Brennen: "It feels like that because I love this house and I love you and I love Sissy and Dada. So it feels like hearts in there."

He's So Excited, and He Just Can't Hide It

Nate became a college graduate this month and I am so proud of my man! What an enormous feat for someone who works full time, is a caring husband, and a wonderful daddy! The goal has been met after 15 years and we are so relieved. Way to go, Natey!

Proud

This is my crazy, silly, funny, sweet, loving, generous, energetic, eager, sincere, 16-month younger, hysterical brother who just graduated from college, officially. I am so proud.