Busted

Well, so much for that. I already missed a day on day #2. How's that for consistency?

To be fair, I was with Miss Reagan all day, so I was a little distracted.

(I know she looks scared of me, but it was really just my headband that frightened her.)

A Post a Day...

November is National Blog Posting Month. How do I know this?

Bethany, the really great writer, told me.

So, I'm going to give it a whirl.

First order of business...

Halloween was a huge success and the kids looked really cute.
Olivia was a college graduate (HUGE subliminal message here) and Brennen was an astronaut.

In other news, Nate and I were complete dorks:

Oak Glen

This October we went to Oak Glen to pick apples and just plain be in the country. It was a great day and we made the memories. They are growing up too fast.

Countdown

It's less than two weeks until the future is decided.
How do I feel about that?

Panic. Peace. Suffocation. Calm.

I am panicked because what if it doesn't work? What if she comes home with the trach still in?

I am at peace because I know that the end is already determined and God loves Reagan.

I am suffocating because I can't fathom more of this indefinitely. This weight of sadness. Knowing I might not hear her for a long time. Watching my siblings in pain.

I am calm because there is nothing else to be done, no where else to be. Reagan will still be here and will still smile at me when I walk toward her. He said, Be still and Know I am God. I am waiting for Him.

My heart is holding its breath.

First Days of School 2010

Olivia Rose on her first day of Second Grade

Brennen Nathan on his first day of Preschool

Is it safe to say that I have cute kids?

As If...

Just in case in the future I ever forget that I did this...

As if.

Miracles Do Happen

Ever since Reagan was born, my world has been rattled.

Things had never been so dire before. I did not have a life-altering event to point to that had turned everything upside down.

I had not felt pain like that before.

And it wasn't her fault. And I don't look at her and feel that pain.

I feel joy and gladness and also raw when I look at her. Her life has already brought such highs and lows for me.

My lowest moment in this experience was right before her trach surgery. I already blogged about it, so I'll just leave it alone. But despair was the key emotion. God didn't do what I hoped He would do.

And then the highest point came the day she left the hospital after 9 weeks. Not just because she was with us, but because GUESS WHAT??? One of her vocal cords moved!!!

IT'S MOVING.

And because it is moving, Reagan will probably not need her trach for much longer. Isn't that a miracle? Because I prayed so hard for that to happen and you did too. I know it. God really did what I hoped He would do.

So, I guess now I am left with the two extremes in my head.

Disappointment and Joy. Despair and Hope. All in two months time.

It's a lot to wrap my brain around. I still haven't reconciled the two. God is still working in me to... explain? grow? accept? decide?

But this I do know... miracles do happen.

Summertime

Here are some of the things we have been up to this summer...

The kids did a lemonade stand for the first time... they were thrilled with their $9 (five came from Grandma).

We went to the Orange County Fair in July and Brennen finally got on board with the rides. He was SIKED.

Kai and Laken came out to visit from Sacramento... It's always fun with the Kai Guy!

Cousin Kinzie was here for most of July, so of course Olivia was in heaven! In fact this picture shows how she prayed without ceasing for Kinize to stay forever.

Nate turned 36 years old on July 18th. He wasn't too fond of being another year older, but he feels so blessed with such a beautiful, amazing family. I'm pretty sure that's what he'd say.

And here is the best thing that happened this summer. Reagan came, stole our hearts, and even smiled at me once. What could be better than that? Nothing, that's what.

Finally

This is me... in heaven.

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful?

What's Inside

Tonight I felt compelled to come to this space and get out my thoughts and feelings about the last few weeks. I thought I would just come here and spill my guts and it would feel better to get it all out.

Now I have no idea what to say. Where to begin. How to do it justice.

I'm talking about Reagan, of course.

Yes. I'll start with her.

She is my hero. She is strong and brave and good. She is my niece and I am proud that she belongs to me. I haven't seen much of her since she's been born, but my heart is knit together with hers. She abides in my thoughts and prayers with every waking breath. She is the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I pray for at night.

Reagan had a tracheotomy today and even as I write those terrible words, I am undone.

Utterly.

I have never sobbed so gut-wrenchingly until this child was born. Doesn't she know I don't like to cry? Most moments she is floating around in my head while I bathe my kids, make dinner, do laundry, run errands... never more than a "Please, God" away.

But the nights are harder. This is when I wrestle with my God and we hash things out. This is when I beseech Him to have mercy on Reagan, on her mommy and her daddy. And her "big sishter." This is when I have to come to grips that He hasn't fixed her, He allowed her get a tracheotomy today, and He does in fact love her. Do you know what He told Nate in the middle of the night last night?

Be Still And Know That I Am God.

I'm trying, I really am. The pain is so deep, the future so bleak. I am a mommy and so I am desperate for Rachel. I cannot begin to fathom her thoughts, her nightmares, her fresh pain. Brian is my little brother and now he is older than me. He has had to endure the most awful situation, his little baby girl has been hanging in a balance for three weeks. Her whole life.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to know they are hurting so much. But do you know how strong they are? They are going to be all that Reagan needs them to be and all that they didn't know they were. Right now there is great sorrow, but JOY comes with the morning. Reagan Joy.

Today is a day I will never forget, July 1, 2010. I don't feel better that it's over, but I feel better that it's over. She is worth all of the heartache and tears, she is with us and for that I will be eternally grateful.